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Humour #2
Phone answering machine message: “You are through to the Marijuana
advice line, to speak to a dealer press the hash key now…”
A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for short. The
shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts…”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t
find any
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 he couldn’t
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too
high…”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli - a strong currant pulled him in
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor!
I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I
had to cut your arms off…”
I went to a seafood disco last weekend and pulled a mussel. I took her
home and found she had crabs - I thought there was something fishy about
her…
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak and starting to feel the cold so they
started a fire. The fire burned a hole in the bottom and it sank proving
once and for all you can’t have your kayak and heat it…
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in
hundreds and thousands. Police say he’d topped himself…
Man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry
growing out of my head.” Doctor says, “Don’t worry I’ve got some
cream for that…”
“That’s not all Doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘Green Green Grass
of Home’.” “Don’t worry, it’s just Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is
it common?” Doctor replies, “It’s not unusual…”
A man takes his rottweiler to the vet’s because he’s cross-eyed. Vet
picks the dog up and has a look at it. “I’m going to have to put him
down.” Man is shocked, “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No,
because he’s bloody heavy!”
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
I pulled over for a hitch-hiker and he said “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, think of
your future, go for it!”
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. I know it’s not my mum or my
dad, so it’s either me, my sister or my brother Ho Cha Xhi…
Came back to my car and someone had left a note on the front saying ‘Fine’
- it’s always nice to get complimented about your parking…
Two kids were arrested for eating batteries and playing with fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off…
My mate looks at his pint and says to me “Your round.” So I punched
him and said “Look at yourself, you fat bastard!”
I went to the doctors and told him I’d broken arm in two places. He
said “I wouldn’t go there again…”
Ireland’s worst air-disaster occurred when a two-seater Cessna crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 278
bodies as digging continues through the night…
William Shakespeare walks into The Staff and the landlord says “You’re
Bard!”
I saw a naked man running down the street with a naked woman on his back
so I said “Where are you going?” He said “I’m going to a fancy
dress party as a tortoise.” “Who’s that then?” I said pointing
to the woman. “That’s Michelle!”
I went to the doctors and said I keep getting these headaches. The
doctor says “Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masturbate?”
I said “Yeah, sometimes.” Doctor says “It’s magic isn’t it!”
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